My friend is in an abusive relationship, but she won't admit it. Sure, she recognizes the fact that it makes her crazy, but, so far, she hasn't been willing to confront the fact that it's her "significant other" who is a lot of the problem. He's not physically abusive; it'd almost be easier to deal with if that were the case. No, the abuse is entirely mental and
emotional.
Her significant other -- let's call him Steve -- has created the epitome of an abusive relationship in several ways.
First, Steve is very controlling. He dictates nearly every aspect of the relationship. He makes all of their economic decisions. He decides when she's using "appropriate language" and punishes her when she's not. He determines when her ideas are worth sharing and rejects them when he, and only he, believes they violate some standard that only he knows.
That brings me to the second abusive aspect: Steve changes the rules of their relationship at will and unpredictably. At one point, he'll reward her for doing something in a specific way. Then, with no clear explanation, he'll punish her for the same (or very similar) thing another time. He'll provide some incoherent or confusing justification for his decisions, which almost seem to purposefully designed to keep my friend off-balance and unsure of herself.
That lack of assurance opens up the third abusive element of the relationship: Steve regularly increases my friend's dependence upon him, making it just that much harder for her to part ways. Sure, Steve is successful; he has charisma such that being around him can almost feel like reality itself is distorted. But when my friend even so much as finds someone new with whom she could enjoy spending time, Steve makes the relationship contingent upon her rejecting all others. She can only rely on Steve's support, or else he threatens ending the relationship entirely.
It's really not a great situation. My friend says the good times are absolutely the best, but the uncertainty and anxiety gnaw at her soul. She often thinks about getting other friends behind his back, but she perceives the risks to be too great should he cut her off. Also, Steve can be totally unapproachable even when it seems clear that he's the one causing the problem. There's just not much my friend can do since she has come to be so totally wrapped up in this twisted relationship of dependency and constantly changing expectations.
I regularly tell her, regardless of the upside, I just don't think it's emotionally healthy for her to continue being a third-party iPhone/iPad developer.
Her significant other -- let's call him Steve -- has created the epitome of an abusive relationship in several ways.
First, Steve is very controlling. He dictates nearly every aspect of the relationship. He makes all of their economic decisions. He decides when she's using "appropriate language" and punishes her when she's not. He determines when her ideas are worth sharing and rejects them when he, and only he, believes they violate some standard that only he knows.
That brings me to the second abusive aspect: Steve changes the rules of their relationship at will and unpredictably. At one point, he'll reward her for doing something in a specific way. Then, with no clear explanation, he'll punish her for the same (or very similar) thing another time. He'll provide some incoherent or confusing justification for his decisions, which almost seem to purposefully designed to keep my friend off-balance and unsure of herself.
That lack of assurance opens up the third abusive element of the relationship: Steve regularly increases my friend's dependence upon him, making it just that much harder for her to part ways. Sure, Steve is successful; he has charisma such that being around him can almost feel like reality itself is distorted. But when my friend even so much as finds someone new with whom she could enjoy spending time, Steve makes the relationship contingent upon her rejecting all others. She can only rely on Steve's support, or else he threatens ending the relationship entirely.
It's really not a great situation. My friend says the good times are absolutely the best, but the uncertainty and anxiety gnaw at her soul. She often thinks about getting other friends behind his back, but she perceives the risks to be too great should he cut her off. Also, Steve can be totally unapproachable even when it seems clear that he's the one causing the problem. There's just not much my friend can do since she has come to be so totally wrapped up in this twisted relationship of dependency and constantly changing expectations.
I regularly tell her, regardless of the upside, I just don't think it's emotionally healthy for her to continue being a third-party iPhone/iPad developer.
